Gardening Humor & Quotes
Gardening Humor and Quotes
Early to Bed , Early to Rise Work Like Hell and Fertilize
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~ Joan
Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.
“Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement.”
The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat
and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold
drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.
– Texas Bix Bender, Don’t Throw in the Trowel
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
– Doug Larson
I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me.
Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils,
plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy
as seeing what brings a smile to your face.
– Teresa Watkins, Gardening With Soul
My wife said that if I buy any more plants he would leave me.
Damn! I’m going to miss that woman.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if
green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
– Doug Larson
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
Kudzu covers your arbor.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
– Culled and Revised by Mike Garofalo
There was a green house.
Inside the green house there was a white house
Inside the white house there was a red house.
Inside the red house there were lots of babies.
Answer: A Watermelon.
A man walks into a flower shop “I’d like some flowers please.”
“Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?”
He shrugs “Well I’m not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh…”
“Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?”
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable
soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under
the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, “It’s all
wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.” The waitress said, “You
ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it.”
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You’re such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You’ve been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We’d make a perfect Pear.
Now, something’s sure to Turnip,
To prove you can’t be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let’s let our Tulips meet.
Don’t Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato’s eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I’ll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I’ll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine.
Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s
motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller,
suggest that he buy one.
– Dave Barry
By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb over the fence.
A tomato in the hand is worth two on the vine.
When the going gets tough, the tough get growin’.
I garden, therefore I weed.
God blesses my garden, but he doesn’t weed it!
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
I never met a pumpkin I didn’t like..- – Jack O. Lantern
The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over
never weeded a garden.
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card: “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was annoyed, and called to complain.”Sir, I’m really sorry for the
mistake, and sorry you were offended,” said the florist. “But even worse, somewhere
there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations on your new location.”
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you’d want to have dinner with.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots